So, whilst I’m journaling, I thought, hey?? Why not start a blog about post uni-life/early 20s in general because what the actual fuck? It might be the most confusing era of my entire life. 

 

If you’re a close friend then you’ll already be on my private story on snapchat, which is where ‘sheba’s rants’ stems from: I like to yap a lot and overshare. And whilst vlogging it to my friends is fun, having a blog where I can also type out what I’m feeling and share it with whoever wants to read, also seems appropriate. Daunting, but appropriate. 

 

So, my family keep telling me I need to be more productive, that I need to keep pushing and applying for jobs, that gym can’t be the only thing I’m passionate about. And whilst they’re correct (hence me starting a damn blog), I’ve been finding it hard to navigate my life right now. 

 

I want to travel and be on holiday, I want to buy myself cute matching gym sets, go out to coffee with my friends (or on my own), go out to drinks, watch live football matches, visit my friends who are still at university and buy myself expensive skincare and make up. How can I do those things with little to no income? 

 

That brings us back to job hunting and post uni-life. 

 

I don’t think anything, or anyone can prepare you for this time of your life. 

 

It doesn’t matter how many people tell or warn you how hard it’s going to be, you still don’t quite believe it, until you’re living it every day. On loop. Constantly. And it feels as if you’re in some weird sort of limbo. 

 

Being in your very early twenties is baffling because you feel like a child, but you’re several years into being an adult. Yet, you aren’t seen as an adult…. You’re expected to behave like one but then you talk to the actual adults, and they go “oh but you’re so young!”, and these same adults don’t give you a chance, don’t listen to what you have to say or won’t give you a job because you have no experience in the real world. 

 

So, then you’re overwhelmed with this feeling of being trapped between two lives: the one you lived as a child/teenager in full time education, and the one that you will live as an adult in a full-time job. 

 

Don’t get me wrong, some people may not experience this weird hovering between borders. I know some of my friends are working in full time jobs already or have a job waiting for them once they come out of university. But similarly, I know that the feeling of not quite being equipped to deal with the real world, regardless of whether they have a job or not, is still very much present. And a lot of them are still looking to a future which is filled with question marks. 

 

You’re so used to having the freedom of being able to do what you want, when you want, the thought of having to live with such a strict structure when you’re working a 9-5 is crazy. And those of my friends who are living that life, complain about it: you get up, you go to work, you come home, have a couple of hours to yourself where you’re too exhausted to do anything but rot, go to bed and then repeat it all over again the next day. 

 

I know the thought of that for me, makes me feel sick. Especially having to work under somebody else, knowing that if I put a foot wrong, they have the power to snatch the rug from under my feet and leave me with nothing but my own shame. And what’s this whole 20-28 days of holiday thing? That quite frankly, is fucked. I should be able to go on holiday whenever I would fucking like, and not have to book months in advance. 

 

And yet, here I am, job hunting every day because if you don’t have job you’ll be perceived as a bum and a failure with no ambition. But why should my ambition be to work for the rest of my life, just to make money which I can barely enjoy anyway because everything is so expensive and I barely have free time anyway. And then, on the other end of the stick, you have people telling you to just enjoy your freedom, to go travelling, to try new things before getting bogged down in a 9-5, or to take life how it comes and that the right thing will find you. 

 

What is the right thing for me?

 

In hindsight, I know that if I have a job I really love and that I’m passionate about, the idea of working for the foreseeable future doesn’t seem so bad. I would love to go into sports journalism and get to write about football and interview players. I would love to create social media content for a big brand, whether it be fitness, beauty, or entertainment. I would love to write about politics and the state of the world and make a difference by giving a voice to those who are being silenced. 

 

But where do I even start? What path do I even go down? 

 

There’s this quote I read by Sylvia Plath that really stuck with me, where she essentially described life as a green fig tree; each fig that grew on the end of a branch represented a different, possible outcome for her, depending on which fig she chose. And in the end, all she could do was sit at the trunk, starving to death because she couldn’t decide; she wanted all of them, but choosing one, meant she would lose the rest and as she sat there undecided; all the figs began to wrinkle and go black. 

 

That’s kind of how life feels for me right now: I need to make a start, but I don’t know which fig to choose. I feel I the longer I wait, the less opportunities there will be available. Plus, I don’t even like figs, so there’s that. 

And, don't even get me started on my love life. First of all, there isn't one, period. And there never really has been one, unless I count having feelings for someone who saw me as, well, nothing I guess? I really liked him and I saw potential in him. But that's all it was: potential. And sadly, that is the downfall for most of us: the potential of someone and what they could be, what you could be with them, rather than what they are actually displaying to you in real time. We think that they'll change their ways, but the reality is that if they really felt the same, they would have already done that. When you take a step back you realise that boys are actually very simple creatures.

And it took a toll on me (and I still think about him unfortunately) because at the time, it felt like it confirmed a lot of my insecurities: that no boy would ever like me for me, that I'm not worth committing to, that my friends are all more attractive blah blah blah. Well, that's bullshit. I'm pretty, my personality is top tier, I'm smart and I have a good heart. I just like choosing men (or boys is probably more appropriate) who are emotionally unavailable because on some level, so am I. After growing up on fictional love, and watching too many romcoms, I have this idea in my head of what I want and if I don't have that, I'm disappointed. 

So in this whole process of 'finding' myself, and healing, I have to accept that I'm also part of the problem right? But geeze, have you lot seen the dating pool? It feels like we're in the trenches. I haven't even had my first boyfriend and I'm twenty two, but after seeing what's out there, being single seems like the much better option. And yet, I crave the feeling of romantic love, and I'm terrified I'll never encounter it.

Oh, that's another thing that is apparently supposed to just 'find me'. And it usually comes from people who have already experienced romantic love; they don't understand what it feels like being single your entire life, and always being disregarded and ignored. However, I'm also looking at that particular fig, and hesitating to pick it, because I don't want to be hurt again and everybody says your twenties are the best time to be single. 

So yeah, I'm constantly going around in circles. 

 

I’m expected to just know stuff. I’m expected to know what to look for.

 

Well, I don’t. I don’t. It feels like I don’t know shit.

 

So naturally, I started a blog. 

 

Welcome <3